I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter Page 25
I still have nightmares about Olga. Sometimes she’s a mermaid again, other times she’s holding her baby, which is often not a baby at all. Usually, it’s a rock, a fish, or even a sack of rags. Though it’s slowed, my guilt still grows like branches. I wonder when it’ll stop, feeling bad for something that’s not my fault. Who knows? Maybe never.
In some ways, I think that part of what I’m trying to accomplish—whether Amá really understands it or not—is to live for her, Apá, and Olga. It’s not that I’m living life for them, exactly, but I have so many choices they’ve never had, and I feel like I can do so much with what I’ve been given. What a waste their journey would be if I just settled for a dull, mediocre life. Maybe one day they’ll realize that.
When I told Mr. Ingman about the responsibility I felt to Olga, to my family, he told me I had to write about it. In fact, he pretty much forced me to do it then and there. That day I sat in his classroom for nearly two hours, crying over my notebook, smearing the ink on the pages. Mr. Ingman never said a word the whole time. He just touched my shoulder and then sat at his desk until I finished. Though most of it came gushing out, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever written. At the end, I had eight handwritten pages, so sloppy, only I could ever read them. That’s what became my college essay.
I pull out Olga’s ultrasound picture from my journal before we land. At times, it looks like an egg. Occasionally, it looks like an eye. The other day I was convinced I could see it pulsing. How can I ever give this to my parents, something else to love, something dead? These last two years I combed and delved through my sister’s life to better understand her, which meant I learned to find pieces of myself—both beautiful and ugly—and how amazing is it that I hold a piece of her right here in my hands?
MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES
The JED Foundation is a national nonprofit that exists to protect the emotional health of—and to prevent suicide among—our nation’s teens and young adults. You can find more information at jedfoundation.org.
The Life is Precious™ (LIP) program from the nonprofit organization Comunilife offers culturally and linguistically appropriate educational support, creative art therapy, and wellness activities to Latina teens, aged twelve to seventeen, who have seriously considered or attempted suicide, and their families. You can find more information at comunilife.org/life-is-precious.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides 24/7 free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. You can find out more at suicidepreventionlifeline.org. If you need help now, text “START” to 741-741 or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
A huge thank-you to my amazing agent, Michelle Brower, who believed in this book from the start and took a chance on me. I couldn’t have asked for a better advocate for my work.
I must acknowledge my dear friend Rachel Kahan, who has been such a fantastic mentor throughout the years by giving me invaluable feedback and opening her home to me. To think we met on the Internet six years ago! Goodness.
My editors have been downright incredible. Thank you, Michelle Frey and Marisa DiNovis, for your incomparable insight, generosity, and support. Your guidance allowed me to write the best version of this book. In fact, the whole crew at Knopf Books for Young Readers has been an absolute dream.
To my coven of boss-ass women, I’m so grateful for your love. This includes Adriana Díaz, Pooja Naik, Sara Inés Calderón, Ydalmi Noriega, Safiya Sinclair, Sarah Perkins, Sara Stanciu, Elizabeth Schmuhl, L’Oréal Patrice Jackson, Christa Desir, Mikki Kendall, Jen Fitzgerald, Andrea Peterson, and so many others.
Eduardo C. Corral and Rigoberto González, thank you for the constant mentorship, camaraderie, and laughter.
A shout-out to Michael Harrington for reading an early draft and providing me with much-needed encouragement.
I’m forever thankful to my family for their unwavering support, even when my life choices puzzled them to no end. Gus, Cata, Omar, Nora, Mario, Matteo, and Sofia—this book is for you.
I would also like to acknowledge all the immigrants who have risked their lives to come to this country, and the children of those immigrants. You are what make America great.
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